Tag Archives: usc

Jordan Levine’s Hot Friends


You ever do that thing where you Facebook stalk all of Jordan “Jords” sometimes just “Ordz” Levine’s friends? I mean Jordans hot but man oh man she’s got some hot friends, and it’s chill because you’re like best friends with Jordan so obviously she’s going to hook it up with her homies. So you drop a line to Jordan being like “yo you’re friend Maddie is cute, set it up?” Jordz then tells you “omg yes she like just broke up with her boyfriend” – perfect.

So, nothing happens in the immediate 10 minutes and you decide to take actions into your own hands, for me this means a Facebook friend request. And hey, I know what you’re thinking, that’s weird and creepy, why would he “befriend” someone he doesn’t know. First of all, think about that for a second. Second, because facebook is a joke, and I will literally friend request the shit out of Jordan’s friends, they are hot and they need to see pictures of me hanging out with my dog.

Aight so you friended Maddie, off the bat her facebook picture doesn’t do her justice, she’s got that natural beauty that an iPhone screen really just can’t capture. Now, is it wrong to assume that if she accepted the friend request, she wants to hook up? I mean, it was a conscious approval of my physical traits, she saw the profile picture, obviously digged it, and hit accept – so I’ll take that a “yes Jonah, let’s make out.”

That night, Ordz has a pre-game at her apartment, of course Maddie is the one girl still wearing sweat pants and not drinking cause she “has so much work to do”, classic.

Lucky for me I brought my backpack and will be doing work as well, with Maddie…naked.


Working Out with a Girl Watching

Me and the Clique in our workout gear

Me and the Clique in our workout gear

It’s 5:34pm on a Thursday and you decide to hit the Gateway Gym (for non-USC students, this a small-ish gym in a nice apartment complex that hosts lots of beautiful women)

You bike, jog, or walk over to Gateway, wave to the security guard like you guys are boyz, you act like you live there. Get into the gym, hit the treadmill for a pre workout carido burst, treadmill obviously.

You happen to notice this cute, but potentially very hot under the right circumstance, kappa girl jogging next to you. How’d I know Kappa? I mean she’s hot and has a great attitude! Sike tank top obvi. There is a moment there where you wonder, do I? Do I pull the emergency break, grab her by the waste and start to make out with her mid treadmill? Maybe…Maybe…And if you’re Greyson, you already have, damn Grey, you got fucking moves. Teach us your swag Greyson. Fucking Newport. Fucking Greyson.

The problem from here on out during the workout is that, guys, or at least myself, can’t stop thinking about doing ridiculous, horrible, unspeakable, but very respectful things to this hot Kappa girl, whose name I’m assuming is something along the lines of Nicole or Rebecca, probably Rebecca, who can’t seem to break eye contact. What does one do, when, she looks really cute and friendly in those workout clothes, and all you can think about is taking off, the workout clothes.

How does one break this one-way sexual tension? What’s the right thing to say? I’ve always thought just saying “hey you seem cool, sup I’m Jonah” would work. Never done it, but what’s the worst that could happen? Then again, you gotta respect her workout, she’s in the zone, the last thing she wants is some cute/funny/talented/funny/well toned in the scheme of things guy coming over and interrupting her workout.

What is she thinking? She’s the one who can’t stop staring. It could be cause i’m staring. She thinks i’m staring at her boobs, but I’m actually staring at her heart. 

Next time I’m at the gym, I’ll try saying something, and let you guys know how it went.

How To Succeed at the 901 Grill, and Sometimes, Bar

At USC there is a place, a magical place, known formally as the 9-0-1 Grill and Bar. 9-0-1 being the area code, and Grill and Bar being that it is primarily a grill during the day, and sometimes at night, a bar. However if you know the 9-0-1 well enough, you know that it’s actually called the 90 (nine-O) and that it’s 98% a bar, with really good mozzarella sticks during the day. In this post, we’ll talk basic strategy on How To Succeed At The 90.

Arrival early, and leave early. In movies they say that a character should enter a scene late, and leave early, in the 90 movie, this does not apply. Waiting in lines suck, so unless you want to wait in line with Courtney and her three seemingly mute friends, get to the bar early. Seriously they’ll just stand there on their phones, iPhone 4S with cracked screens and weird ass cases, maybe ask you to take a picture of them, which you should not, and overall be a damper on your night. So on Tuesday and Thursday nights I suggest arriving at 10, not 10:15, 10p.m. For real, if your friend ‘”Rosenthal” says “dude let’s wait no one is going to be there” – don’t listen to him, he’s working with a personal agenda. By no one he means “McKenzy” the girl he met at the Campus Center Seeds line 5 hours ago. Don’t get caught in line, because if you do, I promise you around like 11:30 you’ll almost be in and then Bryler and his crew will show up, cut you, fight you, and get you will kicked out. Bryler is sick tho, one on one, just not with his friends.

Once you get there early, you’ll want to hit the bar straight away. If you can avoid the 3 random high fives you will have to give to those kids who were in you’re GE’s and WRIT 140 classes. It’s a waste of time, and high fives. I suggest the far South East corner, towards the bathroom. Once there, order the obvious AMF aka Audio Motha Fucker aka Aqua Demonio (Demon Water) Then make you’re way to the top bleachers. You’ll find three blonde girls, all with variations of the name Kristen or Kirstin, or Kim. Kim is probably the hottest, but she’s kinda a bitch, which makes her kinda hot though.

From this point on make sure you know your fair share of top 40 song lyrics. Also helps to be 5’9 and above. Also just make sure you are not sober, unless you are conducting a science experiment. Don’t want to be drunk, for a science experiment.

To be continued.

The Art of the New Years Kiss

So, Justin’s parents are letting him throw a New Years Eve party in the basement this year…Again, even after Connor and Mike drunk drove all over the lawn? Cool. Good news for us.

There is a definitive art to finding the right lady to kiss at the stroke of midnight. Sure, if you have a girl friend, you know how the movie ends but what if you don’t? What if you’re going to a party with all your college friends and there are 2, 3, 4, or no girls you’d like to touch lips with? The key to finding such companion? Timing.

You arrive at the party, swagged out, at around 9:45-10:30pm. First person to greet you at the door? Fucking Sammy. That girl from high school who was cute but not hot, then went to college and got hot, and slutty, from what you’ve heard. She gives you a hug and a kiss and promises to take a ‘shot’ at midnight. Now, do you want to share the arrival of 2013 with Sammy? If so, keep the conversation going for the next 3 hours because like we said earlier, she’s gone from cute to hot and is slutty, so, you’re not the only one tryin’ court her. Bare in mind she will play the “Do You Know…” game for those 3 hours. She loves that game.

You could also fall in love with Rachel’s friend Courtney, who just graduated from Brown. Off the bat she’s got all the great qualities of a post-college girlfriend. Smart, funny, kind already has a job but you don’t really believe if it’s legit or not slash you’re kind of pissed that you don’t have a job yet either. Regardless, she’s the one. It kinda sucks though cause, even though haven’t even kissed, you’re already thinking its going to suck when you have to go back to school in 5 days and so, what’s the point in the first place? Hearts will only be broken. You’re not looking for that long distance relationship. Or are you? No. So, you exchange twitter handles and Snap Chats and put that script on the shelf.

Oh shit, it’s 11:30, better find someone quick unless you wanna be that kid who initiates a “group shot”. Good thing you’ve been killing it with your iPod song selection, reminder, when in doubt PLAY DRAKE.

Guess who just made eye contact with you from across the pong table? Fucking Chloé. Yeah, “é” She went abroad to France and came back with it. It’s weird, it actually makes her hotter. So you go over to her and ask “how school’s been?” Some well played small talk, maybe the chorus to Ke$ha’s “Die Young” is coming, so you guys sing it together (you don’t really know the words but she does, so just smile) Keep in mind Chloé, and every surrounding girl, is completely aware, at any given time, how many seconds away midnight is. They are scheming just as much.

Here comes midnight, the moment you’ve been waiting for. This could be your future wife your kissing. Sike, don’t marry someone who changes their name from Chloe, to Chloé after taking a picture in front of the Eiffel Tower (Check the picture out under the facebook album “Abroad Picz!”) Some douché bag name Bryler aka Bryce starts the NYE countdown 30 seconds early just to get attention, ignore that, it’s a fake. Keep your iPhone close.

The countdown actually starts, 3…2….1… You and Chloé make eye contact. But shit, Connor intercepts to make you take a handle pull from the Patron bottle, you deflect it, grab Chloé and…

“…I’ve got a boyfriend” Shit. All your planning gone to waste. You should have known Chloé has a boyfriend, especially the kind of boyfriend that’s never actually there.

So, you celebrate the first mins of 2013 with your bros and friends who are girls, all take a shot, hug, play more Ke$ha. That’s what NYE is about anyway, being with your friends, your real homies.

3:34am text from…Courtney…. “hi”