Tag Archives: advice

Jordan Levine’s Hot Friends


You ever do that thing where you Facebook stalk all of Jordan “Jords” sometimes just “Ordz” Levine’s friends? I mean Jordans hot but man oh man she’s got some hot friends, and it’s chill because you’re like best friends with Jordan so obviously she’s going to hook it up with her homies. So you drop a line to Jordan being like “yo you’re friend Maddie is cute, set it up?” Jordz then tells you “omg yes she like just broke up with her boyfriend” – perfect.

So, nothing happens in the immediate 10 minutes and you decide to take actions into your own hands, for me this means a Facebook friend request. And hey, I know what you’re thinking, that’s weird and creepy, why would he “befriend” someone he doesn’t know. First of all, think about that for a second. Second, because facebook is a joke, and I will literally friend request the shit out of Jordan’s friends, they are hot and they need to see pictures of me hanging out with my dog.

Aight so you friended Maddie, off the bat her facebook picture doesn’t do her justice, she’s got that natural beauty that an iPhone screen really just can’t capture. Now, is it wrong to assume that if she accepted the friend request, she wants to hook up? I mean, it was a conscious approval of my physical traits, she saw the profile picture, obviously digged it, and hit accept – so I’ll take that a “yes Jonah, let’s make out.”

That night, Ordz has a pre-game at her apartment, of course Maddie is the one girl still wearing sweat pants and not drinking cause she “has so much work to do”, classic.

Lucky for me I brought my backpack and will be doing work as well, with Maddie…naked.


How To Succeed at the 901 Grill, and Sometimes, Bar

At USC there is a place, a magical place, known formally as the 9-0-1 Grill and Bar. 9-0-1 being the area code, and Grill and Bar being that it is primarily a grill during the day, and sometimes at night, a bar. However if you know the 9-0-1 well enough, you know that it’s actually called the 90 (nine-O) and that it’s 98% a bar, with really good mozzarella sticks during the day. In this post, we’ll talk basic strategy on How To Succeed At The 90.

Arrival early, and leave early. In movies they say that a character should enter a scene late, and leave early, in the 90 movie, this does not apply. Waiting in lines suck, so unless you want to wait in line with Courtney and her three seemingly mute friends, get to the bar early. Seriously they’ll just stand there on their phones, iPhone 4S with cracked screens and weird ass cases, maybe ask you to take a picture of them, which you should not, and overall be a damper on your night. So on Tuesday and Thursday nights I suggest arriving at 10, not 10:15, 10p.m. For real, if your friend ‘”Rosenthal” says “dude let’s wait no one is going to be there” – don’t listen to him, he’s working with a personal agenda. By no one he means “McKenzy” the girl he met at the Campus Center Seeds line 5 hours ago. Don’t get caught in line, because if you do, I promise you around like 11:30 you’ll almost be in and then Bryler and his crew will show up, cut you, fight you, and get you will kicked out. Bryler is sick tho, one on one, just not with his friends.

Once you get there early, you’ll want to hit the bar straight away. If you can avoid the 3 random high fives you will have to give to those kids who were in you’re GE’s and WRIT 140 classes. It’s a waste of time, and high fives. I suggest the far South East corner, towards the bathroom. Once there, order the obvious AMF aka Audio Motha Fucker aka Aqua Demonio (Demon Water) Then make you’re way to the top bleachers. You’ll find three blonde girls, all with variations of the name Kristen or Kirstin, or Kim. Kim is probably the hottest, but she’s kinda a bitch, which makes her kinda hot though.

From this point on make sure you know your fair share of top 40 song lyrics. Also helps to be 5’9 and above. Also just make sure you are not sober, unless you are conducting a science experiment. Don’t want to be drunk, for a science experiment.

To be continued.