Hating on Facebook

Facebook has entered its “Empire Strikes Back” phase, which is of course a Star Wars reference to the fact that Facebook is on the downfall. Facebook being the Empire…Empire, downfall, Star Wars, you get it. Just get it.

We are all beginning to realize just how much we hate Facebook. It started out fucking fantastic, but has become something that combines a bunch of great concepts and as a result, results to nothing.

Connecting with friends, that’s how it all started, and for some reason or another Facebook timeline thinks I care about Josh B., the kid from camp who wouldn’t take a shower, more than my bffae, Harrison (shoutout to da whole crew, could only use one name, aight fuck it fine, shoutout to sigma epsilon chi, SEX, heart you guys). It’s like the facebook timeline algorithm just doesn’t even exist. But even better, to replace the whole connecting with people you care about, get a Twitter! Where you literally follow the people you care about, and hey you might even get a reply from the screenwriter/show runner of “Lost”. Exhibit A. 

Status Updates, these things are jokes in the first place. Honestly I laugh at anyone who makes a “serious” status update, I’m sorry but it’s just weird. But Jonah, you post links to not-that-funny videos and shit, yeah I do, but I don’t care, and I’m not stating any kind of personal opinion, I’m just using the 2,000+ random people to get them to watch the videos. My real problem with status updates is when the Facebook status turns into some kind of weird “Flight Booked to…Antartica” or “Flight Booked to Jupiter’s second moon, Europa” Listen Carrie S., I really don’t think anyone needs to know you booked your spring break flight to Cancun. Honestly though, since this is such a thing, maybe there should be a website dedicated to stating Where your most recent flight is booked, and where you are? Four Square, but for dogs.

And since when is everyone a New York Times Movie Critic? (I guess when you’re in Film School) But do we really need to post our “top 10 lists” when 90% of the time they are all the exact same…Congrats on identifying the “best” films of the year, you and every other film festival out there should get a prize. Except you Aneesh, you’ve been doing it a while, and you my homie.

The one good thing that facebook did offer were pictures. Pictures were great because you could substitute your porn site of choice with a picture of Shannon, the hot girl from camp that gave Steven a HJ under the blankets at the final camp bond fire. But, Instagram happend, and instagram is the real deal without all the b.s.

Instagram is great for many reasons. Selfless are acceptable, if not encouraged. It’s 83% pictures of Labradors, and not cats. Fuck cats. And it’s show don’t tell. No words needed, just plain and simple visual storytelling. I realize Facebook bought Instagram but it seems like all they did was semi-copy the look and feel to the mobile app. New Years goal, stop using facebook, unless to post a video, or to check out Sammy T.’s new Cabo pics.

You Had Me At Hi

Do we over think text messages? When to respond? How to respond? To even respond? – One might then ask themselves, do we over think Shakespeare?

To most of you reading this “hi” is the IM (instant message) you’d get from a girl who liked you. You know, those embarrassing screen names like “qtpie5654” or some shit that you made in “4th grade”. In some ways, the social conventions of IMs have transfered over to text messaging except now you have more options, and more time to respond. Here’s the thing, whenever I get a text from someone saying “hi”, I think they either are incredibly mad disappointed with me, or like, like me. But one things for sure and it doesn’t matter the time of day, could be 3 am could be 7 am, if you get a text message from someone you’ve been “flirting” with then it’s a very good thing. It’s like a shorter way of saying “hey boo, I’m thinking of you”

“hi” goes right to the heart.

Of course, when is the proper time to use it? With great power, comes great responsibility and you never want to oversaturate the word. Like most of us, I like to confer with the Great Council of Wise  Men and Women (the people I review my texting decisions with) before hitting the send button.  When is the best time to use ‘hi”? The answer is simple. At the beginning. By the way if you have a friend named Conner, don’t ever take his advice, man Conner’s don’t know shit about texting.

For us dudes, let’s say it’s been a long day, you’re either about to go out, or you just have that urge to talk to Britney, or Britt, as of recent. Open up that iPhone, and just do it. Text her “Hi” NOTE, the capital H, it’s masculine, it says that while “hi” on average is a little more feminine, you gotta soft side, and got her on your mind. Now ladies, let’s say you’re at home watching the latest episode of GIRLS, and for some reason it makes you want to hit up Bryler, aka Bryce as is called in college. Well, same thing, take out that phone and type the two letter magical word. Be careful though, do you like like him or just like him/wanna talk? If it’s a like like – “hi.” The period makes it all. If it’s a just want to talk to then just write “hi”

Now listen, this is a tactic with a lot of variables in play. The numbers gotta add up. If there is anything to take away from this it’s that, homies, don’t be afraid to tell your lady “hi” once in a while. And ladies, 646 620 5940.

The Art of the New Years Kiss

So, Justin’s parents are letting him throw a New Years Eve party in the basement this year…Again, even after Connor and Mike drunk drove all over the lawn? Cool. Good news for us.

There is a definitive art to finding the right lady to kiss at the stroke of midnight. Sure, if you have a girl friend, you know how the movie ends but what if you don’t? What if you’re going to a party with all your college friends and there are 2, 3, 4, or no girls you’d like to touch lips with? The key to finding such companion? Timing.

You arrive at the party, swagged out, at around 9:45-10:30pm. First person to greet you at the door? Fucking Sammy. That girl from high school who was cute but not hot, then went to college and got hot, and slutty, from what you’ve heard. She gives you a hug and a kiss and promises to take a ‘shot’ at midnight. Now, do you want to share the arrival of 2013 with Sammy? If so, keep the conversation going for the next 3 hours because like we said earlier, she’s gone from cute to hot and is slutty, so, you’re not the only one tryin’ court her. Bare in mind she will play the “Do You Know…” game for those 3 hours. She loves that game.

You could also fall in love with Rachel’s friend Courtney, who just graduated from Brown. Off the bat she’s got all the great qualities of a post-college girlfriend. Smart, funny, kind already has a job but you don’t really believe if it’s legit or not slash you’re kind of pissed that you don’t have a job yet either. Regardless, she’s the one. It kinda sucks though cause, even though haven’t even kissed, you’re already thinking its going to suck when you have to go back to school in 5 days and so, what’s the point in the first place? Hearts will only be broken. You’re not looking for that long distance relationship. Or are you? No. So, you exchange twitter handles and Snap Chats and put that script on the shelf.

Oh shit, it’s 11:30, better find someone quick unless you wanna be that kid who initiates a “group shot”. Good thing you’ve been killing it with your iPod song selection, reminder, when in doubt PLAY DRAKE.

Guess who just made eye contact with you from across the pong table? Fucking Chloé. Yeah, “é” She went abroad to France and came back with it. It’s weird, it actually makes her hotter. So you go over to her and ask “how school’s been?” Some well played small talk, maybe the chorus to Ke$ha’s “Die Young” is coming, so you guys sing it together (you don’t really know the words but she does, so just smile) Keep in mind Chloé, and every surrounding girl, is completely aware, at any given time, how many seconds away midnight is. They are scheming just as much.

Here comes midnight, the moment you’ve been waiting for. This could be your future wife your kissing. Sike, don’t marry someone who changes their name from Chloe, to Chloé after taking a picture in front of the Eiffel Tower (Check the picture out under the facebook album “Abroad Picz!”) Some douché bag name Bryler aka Bryce starts the NYE countdown 30 seconds early just to get attention, ignore that, it’s a fake. Keep your iPhone close.

The countdown actually starts, 3…2….1… You and Chloé make eye contact. But shit, Connor intercepts to make you take a handle pull from the Patron bottle, you deflect it, grab Chloé and…

“…I’ve got a boyfriend” Shit. All your planning gone to waste. You should have known Chloé has a boyfriend, especially the kind of boyfriend that’s never actually there.

So, you celebrate the first mins of 2013 with your bros and friends who are girls, all take a shot, hug, play more Ke$ha. That’s what NYE is about anyway, being with your friends, your real homies.

3:34am text from…Courtney…. “hi”

Jonah’s Fav Movies of 2012

This is not a list of the best movies of 2012. No one can say what movie is “best”. This is a list of my “favs” or “favorites” So…

  1. The Avengers (director Joss Whedon) Check it out, this movie made 1 Billion dollars only 20 days after it was released. Amazing. Here’s why. Avengers has been promoted and embedded into our minds since the release of Iron Man. Each single movie Marvel released was promoting and ultimately securing and Audience to see all the heros come together in the Avengers. So, not only did you have characters who everyone liked, but characters that you’d already spent hours getting to know, seeing them fail and then succeed.  But the best part of the Avengers was the script. It was so funny! It’s on my list of best comedies of the year. And you know why? Cause Joss just had fun with it. All great comedy comes from tragedy. The Avengers are simply a dysfunctional family, with god like powers. I could watch this movie 3 times in a row and still love it. That’s why its my favorite movie of the year. 
  2. Skyfall (director Sam Mendes) Skyfall is too good to be a James Bond movie. Bond movies are by convention very campy. Skyfall defies that. Great action, great dialogue, amazing cinematography, and one of the best 4th acts in a movie. 2 and a half hours of suspense, fun, and Daniel Craig kicking ass. Also grossing over 1 billion dollars. Skyfall paid homage to early Bonds while also making it a standout from the series.
  3. Dark Knight Rises (director Christopher Nolan) The climax of the Nolan Batman movies did not disappoint. Bane? A badass villain with a lot to angry about. He was the best part of the movie. Every line he says has been imprinted to every fanboys mind. The script for Rises is just too good. Sure, there are lots of problems with the movie. How did Batman out swim a nuclear bomb? How did find time to paint a giant BAT sign onto a building wall? Where the fuck was that prison? But listen, you got a lot going on the line with that movie, and Nolan pulled it off. The third act of the movie is great, it answers questions by asking questions. What? Just think about it. Regardless that movie is so entertaining.
  4. 21 Jump Street (directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller) Easily the funniest movie of the year. The buddy cop genre refreshed with a great script, simple premise, and hilarious cast. Why the funniest movie of the year? Because of the self reflexivity. I think audiences really enjoyed a cop movie that made fun of cop movies, while all the while being a cop movie. I.e. “The Angry Black Captain Monologue” and “Why would she have a gun in her glove compartment…Oh wait she does”
  5. This is 40 (director Judd Apatow) How many people can pull off making a likable movie about their family? This is one of my favorite comedies of the year, that being said I don’t think there were many great ones this year. The movie is laced with very topical humor, but it’s a little long. But between Rudd, Mann, and the Mini Apatows there are lots of laughs to be had.

Notable Mentions

  1. Django Unchained, a very badass movie that breaks a lot of conventions the western.
  2. Looper – USC grad Rian Johnson showed us that there are new stories to be told in the world of Sci-Fi. 
  3. 5 Year Engagement, the Apatow produced film was both heartwarming and hilarious.
  4. Ted, Seth McFarlane has a long future in the world of feature length films. Ted was very funny, a critical and commercial success.
  5. Cabin in the Woods, scary, funny, awesome.
  6. Moonrise Kingdom, Wes Anderson killin’ it.

Disagree? Wanna talk about? Shoot me a tweet. @JonahFoundgold

Stand Up: New Yorkers Always Have a Cold

98% of New Yorks have a cold.

New Yorkers don’t get sick. That’s because they are always sick. Ever realize that? New Yorkers always have a cold. It never goes away.

I’m from New York. I love New York, but there is definitely a sickness problem.

I go to school at USC, in Los Angeles. Shit on LA all you want, it has its flaws but people there are healthy. That’s the thing, all people do is try to be as healthy as possible. I’ve literally seen people walk up to a tree and eat the leaves right off it. Dinosaur move. People in LA are tan, in shape, and overall very attractive, kinda like the Elves in Lord of the Rings, except they’re not Elves, and they’re not in Lord of the Rings.

New Yorkers look like they have been dead for 3 days. I think this is a conscious effort too. People think “I’m going to get sick anyway, so fuck it, I’ll just stay sick till Spring” I guess that makes sense? If everyone in the city is sick it’s no problem.

I was walking down the street and this woman, who looked a lot like the witch in Snow White, was just coughing and sneezing. Literally for about 10-20 feet just a constant cough and sneeze combination. It’s like, imagine someone singing a song, but instead of lyrics, coughs and sneezes. She wasn’t even covering her mouth or nose. It was impressive.

So as a tip to any LA friends visiting NYC, don’t go outside, make eye contact, or touch anything.

The Hobbits

My brotha from another motha Harrison and I went to go see The Hobbit last week. We bought the tickets thinking 3D IMAX, what we actually bought were regular 2D tickets, cool.

The movie is fun. It’s a kids movie. It’s the “G” rated Lord of the Rings, and it knows that. The movie is shot and paced completely differently from the original LOTR series. Every other line is a joke, there are physical gags, and lots of funny looking dwarfs. Even the lighting ascetic has a more cartoonish look to it. Brighter colors, less grain, a fluid movement – all help evoke a roller coaster ride of a film.

What’s cool about The Hobbit is its premise. It literally thrusts an average Hobbit, Bilbo, into an incredible adventure, and by pure chance. I haven’t read the books but why does Gandalf show up to his door step in the first place? It’s a great fish out of water story, and is actually very funny. British humor in Middle Earth.

I saw Hobbit again, but this time in 48fps 3D. So fucking cool. It was like watching a videogame, but better. That is the way the movie should be watched. They shot it with that intention. Top of the line 3D tech, game changing frame rate. 48fps won’t work for all movies, but in an epic fantasy tale that’s already ‘out of this world’ I really do think it helped propel the story.

Peter Jackson and the team posted a bunch of behind the scenes videos, the size of the movie is amazing, since they shot 2 movies at the same time and then realized they had enough footage for 3. They had 50-something RED EPIC cameras. That’s unreal. Check out the videos below, seriously if you have any interest in film or want to see how a huge movie like this is made. Watching those BTS videos, its daunting to think of how hard it is to make these movies. These guys spend literally 257 days working towards something we watch once, maybe twice, over two hours, in a chair, and a bag of M&Ms. It’s that kind of filmmaking that promotes seeing movies in theaters where you get top of the line projection, sound, and the best overall movie going experience.

Out of all the LOTR movies, why doesn’t Gandalf do more magic and just fuck shit up? Is he only allowed to help so much? That’s one of the things I never really understood about the whole series. Gandalf is so powerful but he really doesn’t do much magic?