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Cabo San Lucas

I lost my virginity three times.

Get it? It’s funny cause it’s not possible, but hey, anything is possible in Cabo. Speaking of Cabo, it’s fucking god damn Cabo season holy shit 2 days, what is this some kind of sick practical joke? Cabo is fucking great, but jesus dude why are you going back their you’ve been two times before and come back with some kind of Mexican flu that translates to the Crazy Lizard. What?

Anyway, why is this Cabo trip more significant than other Cabos? Because, as a senior, this is truely the last time in my life, in our lives, that we have 5 days with zero to -3 obligations. No job, no wives, no 10 year old kid who wants a PS3 but doesn’t really know that X-Box is the way to go so you don’t get him a X-Box, so he starts crying but you don’t feel bad because he’s spoiled and doesn’t need video games, just a good book to read and a girlfriend.

For those new to Cabo there are three things..Mango Deck, Nap, Squid Roe.

Mango Deck

Mango Deck is sick. It’s like all that shit you’ve seen on MTV spring break. It’s a massive day party with some weird ass dude with microphone screaming “CABO SAN LUCAS, ARE YOU FUCKING READY? OKAY! LET’S GO!” Over and over and over… It’s dope tho. It’s almost impossible to recognize a friend from a girl you used to hu with causally in the AEPi quad. Rosenthal.

You can get a table too, which is dope. For table service hookup hit up King of NYC and Barcelona, Sir King Farage IV – he runs most of the Northern Hemisphere.

Make sure you roll in with Bryce or Connor, those dudes know how to navigate through crowds, and hookup with 9.5s on a consistant level. They’re sick AND dope.

Ai se tu pego.

Squid Roe

Dits shits literally the 9-0 on steroids. Three layers of fucking sloppyness, and in the center of it all, the same dude with a mic from Mango Deck? Or is it a different dude? We should find out.

Once you’re there, and hopefully you arrive a solid 12/10, then make your way to the second floor, or the sides, and try dancing with Alexis, she’s kinda a bitch tho and will give you a weird look and say “she needs to GO FIND HER FREINDS” yeah I didn’t forget about you, Alexis, but I will, when I’m famous, and have a labrador retriever puppy farm, and you won’t be invited . Suck it.

Cabo Theory

The thing is, this might sound morally wrong, or damaging to your body. But the drunker you are, the more fun you will have. It’s simple math. Ask Bryce. He knows. He’s Bryce.

Cabo Rules

  1. Don’t be a bitch 
  2. Seriously, just drink, stop being a bitch, Trevor.
  3. Hook up with Lindsay at Mango Deck
  4. Be a dick to Lindsay that night at Squid Roe though
  5. Don’t listen to you’re friend Bryce, he’s dumb
  6. Dude, i’m fucking with you, what Bryce say, you do.
  7. No bathing suits below the upper-thigh. What is this, 2012?
  8. Act like you don’t know anyones name
  9. No high fives, only chug races
  10. Make out, pass out, vommit, make out again, pass out again.
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How To Succeed at the 901 Grill, and Sometimes, Bar

At USC there is a place, a magical place, known formally as the 9-0-1 Grill and Bar. 9-0-1 being the area code, and Grill and Bar being that it is primarily a grill during the day, and sometimes at night, a bar. However if you know the 9-0-1 well enough, you know that it’s actually called the 90 (nine-O) and that it’s 98% a bar, with really good mozzarella sticks during the day. In this post, we’ll talk basic strategy on How To Succeed At The 90.

Arrival early, and leave early. In movies they say that a character should enter a scene late, and leave early, in the 90 movie, this does not apply. Waiting in lines suck, so unless you want to wait in line with Courtney and her three seemingly mute friends, get to the bar early. Seriously they’ll just stand there on their phones, iPhone 4S with cracked screens and weird ass cases, maybe ask you to take a picture of them, which you should not, and overall be a damper on your night. So on Tuesday and Thursday nights I suggest arriving at 10, not 10:15, 10p.m. For real, if your friend ‘”Rosenthal” says “dude let’s wait no one is going to be there” – don’t listen to him, he’s working with a personal agenda. By no one he means “McKenzy” the girl he met at the Campus Center Seeds line 5 hours ago. Don’t get caught in line, because if you do, I promise you around like 11:30 you’ll almost be in and then Bryler and his crew will show up, cut you, fight you, and get you will kicked out. Bryler is sick tho, one on one, just not with his friends.

Once you get there early, you’ll want to hit the bar straight away. If you can avoid the 3 random high fives you will have to give to those kids who were in you’re GE’s and WRIT 140 classes. It’s a waste of time, and high fives. I suggest the far South East corner, towards the bathroom. Once there, order the obvious AMF aka Audio Motha Fucker aka Aqua Demonio (Demon Water) Then make you’re way to the top bleachers. You’ll find three blonde girls, all with variations of the name Kristen or Kirstin, or Kim. Kim is probably the hottest, but she’s kinda a bitch, which makes her kinda hot though.

From this point on make sure you know your fair share of top 40 song lyrics. Also helps to be 5’9 and above. Also just make sure you are not sober, unless you are conducting a science experiment. Don’t want to be drunk, for a science experiment.

To be continued.