Category Archives: Stand Up

Stand Up: New Yorkers Always Have a Cold

98% of New Yorks have a cold.

New Yorkers don’t get sick. That’s because they are always sick. Ever realize that? New Yorkers always have a cold. It never goes away.

I’m from New York. I love New York, but there is definitely a sickness problem.

I go to school at USC, in Los Angeles. Shit on LA all you want, it has its flaws but people there are healthy. That’s the thing, all people do is try to be as healthy as possible. I’ve literally seen people walk up to a tree and eat the leaves right off it. Dinosaur move. People in LA are tan, in shape, and overall very attractive, kinda like the Elves in Lord of the Rings, except they’re not Elves, and they’re not in Lord of the Rings.

New Yorkers look like they have been dead for 3 days. I think this is a conscious effort too. People think “I’m going to get sick anyway, so fuck it, I’ll just stay sick till Spring” I guess that makes sense? If everyone in the city is sick it’s no problem.

I was walking down the street and this woman, who looked a lot like the witch in Snow White, was just coughing and sneezing. Literally for about 10-20 feet just a constant cough and sneeze combination. It’s like, imagine someone singing a song, but instead of lyrics, coughs and sneezes. She wasn’t even covering her mouth or nose. It was impressive.

So as a tip to any LA friends visiting NYC, don’t go outside, make eye contact, or touch anything.